Sunday, 4 March 2012

An Epiphany

On Thursday I realised something.  I was suddenly feeling better.  I hadn't realised that I was feeling bad, I wasn't really.  I just wasn't myself.  I think I had been so determined not to fall into that post-wedding blues trap that I hadn't even realised that's probably what happened.  My plan for after the wedding was to work on my guest book (which we set up to be more like a scrap book with our photo booth pictures), do up the study, work on my recipe project (has now been ongoing for over a year - sorting all my torn out recipes into files), working on the blog - writing up the wedding and honeymoon.  As it happens, I still haven't finished all of these things!

What I suddenly realised though is that I had been in a bit of a slump.  I hadn't been enjoying work so had been a bit lazy when it came to pushing myself and working hard.  I basically just trundled along doing as little as possible which isn't satisfying or lucrative.  On weekends where I wasn't away (there have been a few of those too keep me occupied luckily), I planned to get lots done but ended up lying in bed most of the morning and wasting huge parts of the day.  Yes, I have been enjoying doing a lot of reading (still am, although I have settled down a bit on the frantic book after book I was devouring in January) and writing posts but again, I was being lazy and not doing any exercise.  I convinced myself it was OK because I was expanding my mind and reading is a good hobby, along with some baking and cooking - I have also been enjoying eating whatever I wanted now I didn't have the wedding to worry about.  I never went on a diet before the wedding but did lose a little weight, when we returned my old jeans fitted me again.  Not any more.  My current jeans are actually getting too tight now as a result of my sedentary lifestyle.

Before the engagement I would make an effort to walk to work most days (unless it was raining which does often happen in Glasgow) but when wedding planning took over and I had so much I wanted to get done in my lunch hours and after work, I would always take the car to save that extra few minutes.  It was a habit I stuck to when we returned from honeymoon.  I had also been taking Pilates classes up until a couple of months before the wedding when I was REALLY busy and had dance rehearsals, etc. taking over my evenings.  Again, something I haven't picked up again post-wedding.

Although I was happy, revelling in being a Mrs, enjoying telling everyone who'll listen about the wedding and honeymoon, getting excited that now I have revealed my blog my readership has continued to grow, I was just feeling a bit "meh".  I think that happened as a result of my increasing weight, to the point that I am uncomfortable in how I look and feel in my clothes, and the lack of exercise.  It was only really when looking at the pictures of myself on my amazingly fun weekend in Leeds with my fellow blogging ladies that I noticed just how much I hated how I look and how much weight I have actually put on.  Even in the few weeks between first wearing my Oasis dress, I could see a huge difference and I didn't like it...

Feb 3rd - Dress fits well

Feb 25th - dress is tight and belt loosened (tights essential!)

Bulgy neck and waist, huge arms

Although it's obvious to me now that I was in a bit of a downer and not myself, at the time all of my little projects were convincing me that I was happy enough and busy.  On Thursday I suddenly felt properly motivated at work and determined to actually DO something about my weight.  Although I really enjoy my food, I don't need to go overboard as I have been for the last few months and I actually do feel better after exercising once I get up and do it!  This weekend, I woke up feeling positive and wanting to get out of bed and on with the day, rather than still feeling tired and wanting to stay snuggled up.  I was out of bed and showered before 8.30 on Saturday and after meeting friends (Hi Jen!) for lunch at my favourite new local cafe (and resisting all the usual naughty things I like but still enjoying myself), Nik and I walked the half hour into town rather than getting the train or subway and walked around for a bit before buying some healthy dinners to last me this week while he is working evenings (usually an excuse for me to eat rubbish as I don't bother to cook just for myself).

I plan to start swimming again as this was an exercise I used to love, I even have a waterproof MP3 to help keep me going.  When we went to Yo! Sushi on Thursday night, I resisted all of the Katsu and other deep fried things I like and stuck only to sushi and sashimi.  Instead of having coke at our local cafe or in Yo!, I stuck to sparkling water.  I have started getting up earlier to make an effort to have breakfast before going to work, rather than eating a meal at 11am and then snacking at 4pm then a dinner at 8pm which was another bad habit I had gotten into!  I am now eating either baked beans on wholemeal toast or grilled veggie sausages, a grilled portobello mushroom and scrambled eggs.  Something to fill me up until lunchtime when I will have soup or a brown roll.  In the evenings we've had salmon and potatoes or thai chicken curry or sushi or an M&S 'fuller longer' meal if I'm feeling tired or lazy.  I am looking for more healthy recipes to keep me going so if you have any suggestions, please leave a comment.

Since this sudden realisation, I am already enjoying work more and putting in more of an effort.  I have enjoyed getting out, other than just to go shopping or eat out with friends.  I am enjoying making plans to try to be healthier.  I just hope I can keep it up.  It has always been hard for me to do because even though I have gone through phases of eating better and then not so well and doing lots of exercise and then not so much, my weight hasn't changed drastically over the last 3 years.  It doesn't help when people didn't believe me when I said that I was trying to be good because I weighed over 12 stone (81kg).  I carried it well as I am tall and pretty good at knowing what to wear to look nice and flatter my body.  I just figured that since other people weren't really noticing, it couldn't be that bad.  What I now realise is that I notice and it matters to me to feel better about myself and just to generally be healthier and feel more confident to wear other outfits which I would avoid right now because I have let my thighs (and other parts) get out of control!!

I don't think it will be easy as I do love food.  I use food for comfort and for rewards.  I enjoy baking and cooking so will be trying to stick to healthier recipes.  I don't consider myself on a "diet", just trying to be healthier and exercise more.  I don't want to restrict myself too much and end up giving up altogether.  Luckily Nik is keen to be healthier too so we will try to help each other keep it up.  I have just weighed myself for the first time in over a year and currently weigh 13 stone 4 lbs (84.6kg)!!!  I plan to take my measurements as well as I don't believe weight is always an accurate example of how healthy you are (I'm 5'9'' by the way).  I don't expect to be as thin as I was as a student (10-12) but I would like to get back to more of a size 12-14 than my current size 14-16.  I have kept a few old clothes that I loved too much to bin or give away and always planned one day to get into them again (does anyone not do this?) but this time I really am ready to make the effort!

Me on Fraser Island, Australia 2004 - size 10-12
(weight 73kg - I know because they wrote it on my hand when I bungy jumped in Cairns!)
(I didn't usually go around getting photos taken of me half naked -
it was a tropical shower and we'd been walking a long way in the heat to get to this lake!)


I'm currently craving a wispa gold but off to have some fruit!  ;)

P.S. Here's me in my recent outfit which I love and will hopefully look even better once I tone up a bit!



27 comments:

Gemma C-S said...

I will call you at the same time as I'm about to head out for a powerwalk and we can chat that way. Yay.

Lynky said...

Keep thinking positively and good luck, I wish I had your willpower!! Why don't you ask Sarah for the no. of her personal trainer? Love you whatever size you are.

Kirsty {a safe mooring} said...

What an amazingly brave post! Props to you, I don't think think I'd have the balls to post photos of myself and point out my flaws and fears with such ruthless honesty. So glad you are making positive changes in your life and feeling better about things. (But I thought you looked pretty great at Pen Do, whatever size you are!)

Bex said...

Not sure I can justify the expense of a personal trainer when I know I just need to exercise more and eat better. If I just make the effort to walk to work every day that's an hour every day already! I just needed to get to this point to have the willpower I think. :)

Bex said...

Yay! Good idea! ;)

Anonymous said...

Whaaat? Thought you looked great on Sat- you've not changed a bit since uni :-)
I go to Zumba locally so if you ever fancy coming along give me a call. Was good to catch up- must do it again soon. Jen x

Bex said...

Thanks Kirsty, I didn't really think of it as being brave - mostly because I'm feeling so good about having finally decided to do something about it. I've always been a planner and having a plan makes me feel excited and positive :)

(Also hoping to come back in a few weeks and be able to point out the things I love about myself!)

Bex said...

Thanks Jen, like I said, I am good at hiding it ;) I've definitely put on over a stone since uni! Zumba sounds fun but I've never been good at co-ordination (tried a step class once and was so mortified to be doing the opposite to everyone else the whole time!) might give it a go though? x

Kirsty {a safe mooring} said...

Oh and I love the new outfit!

Bex said...

Thanks! Me too :D

Rachie @ A Chi Chi Affair said...

Really enjoyed this post and love that new outfit! xx

Bex said...

Thanks, can't believe the response this has gotten! :)

Penny said...

Zumba classes are very relaxed about co-ordination - infinitely easier than Step! Good luck with your new start... healthy head first and the body will follow. I can only echo the others in saying you looked gorgeous at Pendo, but I completely understand that feeling of being out of control and wanting to be happy with yourself. Sounds like you're back on top and doing great.


Px

Katielase said...

Several things...

1) Well done! Really great post.

2) What brand is your waterproof mp3? I want one, I'm bored of singing to myself in the pool!

3) I once fell over my step in step class because I am so absurdly uncoordinated, however I was able to Zumba and love it! If I can do it, and not fall over my feet/hips/own face, you can :-D

Bex said...

Thanks Penny! I think I will have a go at Zumba, email coming your way Jen ;)

Think the fact I have told everyone about it will help spur me on too as I now am even more determined not to fail! :D

Bex said...

Hi Katie!

1 - Thanks, I'm loving all the support!

2 - It's a speedo one which clips onto the back of the goggles - super simple but it works http://www.amazon.co.uk/Speedo-Aquabeat-1GB-Waterproof-Player/dp/B0017KRAFU/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1330899673&sr=8-4
I had to get other earphones though as these rubbery into the ear ones never stay in my ears so I never used it at first - I bought normal style waterproof ones on ebay and find it much better now! (I think I have super weird tiny tapered ear canals though which just squeeze the rubber earphones straight back out!)

3 - Thanks for the tip, think I will go for it!

:D

anna said...

Great honest post.

I need to get some motivation. I used to be a lot smaller and then I stopped playing hockey. How I need to start doing something again.

Bex said...

That was exactly my problem, no longer doing the exercise I used to and being rather un-sensible when it came to eating! I noticed a change even moving from working in a hospital, walking from ward to theatre to clinics every day to sitting in my wee room all day!

Roz said...

Hey, I read this earlier and it really struck a chord with me. I too lost weight before my wedding (two years ago now!) and wish I could fit back into my 'honeymoon' wardrobe as it is lovingly referred to as. Some really nice dresses make up that collection and need to lose a stone to fit back in them. I too use food for comfort, most of it tastes soooo good! And I just wish I had more willpower. I'm hoping that as the weather improves I'll get back into running and might shift some weight easily.

We are always our own biggest critics, I thought you looked fab in the Pendo pics - I even tried on your dress in Oasis at Silverburn today as in the pics on AOW and FF I thought you looked rocking!! Xx

Bex said...

Oh wow, that's such a compliment! Love that I was able to inspire someone with fashion :D

It is amazing how we see ourselves can be so different to what others see! I did specifically NOT let anyone see the photos I have used today as I thought that I and as a result, the dress, looked bad, especially when compared with the other picture of me in it! I decided after my 'epiphany' that I would share them to show the difference in just 3 weeks and demonstrate how I am making myself feel bad - this is not something that I am feeling as a result of 'pressure' from the media or anyone else. I am comparing myself to myself, not to an unrealistic view of models. Which is what makes me more convinced that I can do something about it - I used to be the shape I want to be! I just hope my positive feeling and willpower lasts!

Lynky said...

With this sort of support from all your lovely friends how can your willpower not last? Just remember we will all be there to give you a kick up the bum if you start to go backwards! lol

thebabywife said...

Big hug - I was going through a bit of a weight struggle too (like you, not a huge amount, but enough to notice and be uncomfortable with), and now obviously with my news, the focus is on healthy eating and gentle exercise rather than dieting. Good luck xxx

Glasgow Mummy said...

Everyone has their issues. Even though I'm now a very happy size 10 I still have issues with my upper arms and my wrinkly neck. A few weeks of walking to work and you'll drop a few pounds and I'm sure you'll be happier in yourself. My weight has been creeping up due to too many cakes and too many glasses of wine. But I'm aware of that and plan to get back into more exercise asap. Let's go to the gym this week instead of eating out!

Bex said...

Yay for the good news and to the healthy eating and exercise. Thanks for the hug :) x

Bex said...

Fab idea! Especially after last night's treats at Eat Cafe! Thanks for the support :) x

Bex said...

I know, aren't they amazing!?! :) And I know you will Mum ;) x

Anonymous said...

Hey Becky, nice to visit your blog after a long time. I do an hour of yoga/pilates a day.Makes me feel good with the world & myself. Look forward to seeing you looking fab in yards & yards of olive this May :) (shella xx)

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