Sunday, 22 December 2013

Sunday Summary & Weigh In

by Bex

After my busy, but fun, week last week, this one's been the opposite.  Quiet and horrible.  On Monday I decided to call the Gynaecologist's office to let them know that if they had any cancellations I was available at short notice.  I'd been told at my consultation that there wasn't really a waiting list and my procedure (hysteroscopy and cervix dilatation) was a quick, easy one which would most likely be before Christmas so since I hadn't heard anything since I just thought I'd check and I was glad I did as they had a space the next day!  I was so excited, literally shaking on the phone at work while I called Nik and made the arrangements to be off.  I had to rush off at lunchtime for my pre-op assessment and everything was sorted, I spent that evening hosting a surprise party for Diana with a few friends and then packed a bag and chose some books for the next day.  I called our private clinic to let them know as they wanted to do the FET as soon as possible after the dilation so they could hopefully pass the catheter with the embryos this time.

Unfortunately due to the timing of my cycle, rather than being done following my next period, we'd have to wait for the following cycle as their labs were due to be closed at the vital time in my cycle.  I was a bit worried about the effects of the operation wearing off before then but when I arrived the next morning and spoke to the surgeon she assured me that the effects would last a while and would be very simple.  I told her my concerns about it not working and she explained that would be very unusual, as our private doctor had already mentioned.  I was so excited to be getting one step closer again.  All we've wanted since our first appointment back in January is to have our chance at a pregnancy, to get one teenie embryo inside me and we never thought it could become this complicated.

I needed a GA for this procedure as it allows them to position and manipulate me easily to get the best access without having to worry about me or my comfort.  The first thing I remember about coming round was the horrible bitter taste in my mouth and I asked if it worked, the nurse in recovery was lovely, got me some water and explained she didn't know any details and they doctor would come to speak to me back on the ward.  I was told the same thing by the nurses when I returned to the ward and asked if they had my notes.  I wasn't even suspicious at the time but thinking back, they would have received a hand-over and most likely did know but wanted the doctor to break it to me.

When she came to speak to me and explain the difficulty they'd had and how unusual my anatomy was and that it was unsuccessful I wasn't entirely shocked.  I mean, we've been told something similar at each and every stage.  Yes, we have another rare unfortunate problem which prevents us from conceiving.  I managed to contain myself while they discussed what might happen next.  She said she would discuss it with our IVF doctor but not to give up yet.  I told her he'd already mentioned that if this didn't work our only option was surrogacy.  She explained that they could try again and just prepare me for a higher chance of perforation as they try to make their way through my cervix.  Given the fact I will never be pregnant without this working, risking damage is an easy choice to make.  I just don't know when this is likely to happen or if I will need another consultation beforehand.  It's just a waiting game again now.  Another few weeks of limbo.  More 'what ifs' flying round my head, more research to do into our other options, more disappointment.

The nurses on the ward were fantastic and after being left alone to let the news soak in, quietly sobbing behind my curtain as I was surrounded with women in for more straightforward gynaecological procedures, one of them came to see if I was OK and offered to call Nik.  He arrived as soon as he could from work and they discharged me quickly so I could just go home.  That evening these gorgeous bright and cheerful flowers showed up from Bex & Crysta with this lovely card which, although it did make me smile, also made me cry as it was so touching.

They were arranged in oasis which wouldn't fit in any of my vases but I eventually took the stems out and arranged them myself in a vase, they're stunning!

Luckily I had the following 2 days off and I've spent most of this week watching films and eating my favourite foods.  Being back at work on Friday wasn't easy and not helped by the happy patient telling me she was pregnant and giving me all the relevant details.  Obviously this is going to happen and I have to deal with babies and children in my career but I could have done without it that particular day.

By Friday evening I was feeling better and preparing myself for the weekend, making plans and trying to pull myself together.  I was going to spend Saturday making chocolate gingerbread and finally finishing my Christmas cards.  That didn't quite work out after something set me off in the morning and I ended up spending a couple of hours crying on the bathroom floor.  Not ideal.

When I finally peeled myself and my snotty towel off the floor, I heated up some of our Indian leftovers and we opened a bottle of fizz and put on another film.  Basically, I'm enjoying anything not connected to real life at the moment and we enjoyed watching Labyrinth and then Die Hard.  Hopefully by the time you read this I will have got a grip and be making some festive gingerbread.  I absolutely refuse to let this setback ruin our Christmas.

Anyway, as for the blog, this week was  busy one with a lot of pre-written posts - my hot mulled cider recipe and a review of Morrisons' ready meals on Monday.

On Tuesday Roz wrote about a lovely lunch we enjoyed recently at Rogano and I ended up writing about my feelings following my failed operation.  We were back to more festive fun on Wednesday with the white dough decorations Nik and I made, followed by an update in what I did with them and a few other decor additions.

I wrote about our baking club meeting on Thursday and an amazing find on Friday - the Glasgow Architectural Salvage warehouse where we got the wood to make our Christmas shelves and some fab bowls and bottles.

25p bowls!

As you probably expected, my healthy eating and exercise has gone massively downhill this week.  I'm not going to let myself fall entirely back into bad habits but I'm allowing myself a week or two of relaxing and eating comfort food.

Start Weight - 185.8
Current Weight - 181.8
Total Loss - 4 lbs

My In-Laws are arriving on Monday and we're heading out for dinner that night and after I finish work on Christmas eve we'll be finalising all the food plans for Christmas Day.  I have a few posts I want to finish off before then (the ballet for one) so hopefully I'll feel like writing more this weekend but I suspect we'll be taking a bit of a break from blogging over the holidays.  Although, having said that, the blog is often what I concentrate on when things are bad so if you need a break from family festive time, there may well be some new posts to read :)

I hope you all have a wonderful time, whatever you are up to and we'll catch up in the New Year.  Fingers crossed it's a better one than 2013 for a lot of us!  xx

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